The List
by gilcrust
Summary: Bellamy comforts Clarke after she makes the list in 4x03


I peel my eyes open, pulling myself into a sitting position, Clarke is seated at the desk. Hunched over the sheet of paper, pen in hand, rubbing anxiously over her forehead. I run my hands over my face before moving to stand, I don't look at the list, not really. Only one name catching my eye, the last one she's scribbled in slot ninety-nine, my name. She doesn't look up as I stand over her, "if I'm on that list, you're on that list." I tell her, kneeling down so that we're at eye level.

"Bellamy," she breaks off, shaking her head.

"Write it down." I insist.

"I can't." Clarke argues, staring up at me with pleading eyes.

"Write it down or I will." I say this time more forcefully.

Again she shakes her head, the pen dropping from her trembling hand. I take it from the tabletop, using it to scrawl her name into the last available space. Catching her hand in mine once I'm finished, twining our fingers together. "So what now?" She asks.

"Now we put it away and hope we never have to use it." I sigh, taking it from her. Folding the parchment in half and setting it aside.

"You still have hope?" Her lower lip trembles as she speaks.

"We're still breathing." I lean in closer, cupping her cheek in my free hand. Her breath fanning over my face in short puffs, crystal blue eyes fluttering shut as I press my lips to her forehead.

"Bellamy," Clarke inches toward me. Her fingers tangling in my hair to keep me there, inhaling the scent of her blonde locks.

"I love you Clarke." I whisper, feeling her entire body tense in an attempt to retreat from me. "I'm never going to love you the way Finn loved you, I'm never going to love you the way I loved Gina and you'll never love me like you loved Lexa; but that's ok." I explain, "it doesn't compare to those things because it's different, it's ours and it's perfect. It doesn't have to be more or less, or better or worse, it just has to be real, and I'm telling you right now that I love you Clarke. Part of me has always loved you, even when it wasn't the right time, even when I didn't want to be with you the way I do now."

"Me too." She nods in understanding.

"You lost the love of your life, I know how that feels. Even the thought of moving on is like tearing out your own heart all over again. I felt the same way after I lost Gina, when the grounders triggered the self destruct button inside Mount Weather; but then there's you." My tone softens of it's own accord, "I think sometimes we get more than one great love in our lifetime."

"I still love her...and I'll always-"

"I would never take that away from you." I stop her gently, understanding exactly how she's feeling. "I don't want to be her Clarke, I don't want to replace her, and I don't want you to forget about her. I just want to be with you now, because your heart is big enough that you don't have to push her out to let me in. That's why I love you. That's why you're you."

She flinces at my choice of words, hard, and I want to back pedal but she doesn't give me the chance. "I love you too. Because you see me, other people look at me and they just see all of the things I've done, the things I've had to do, but you see me. You see me." She shrugs tearfully.

"I see you," I assure her, thumbing away her tears.

"I can't do this by myself." Her shoulders shake with her broken confession.

"You don't have to do it alone, I'll help you." I rest my forehead against hers.

She crumbles, "I need you."

"I'm here, right here. I won't leave, you and me are gonna get through this together." Just like we always have.

"I'm so tired." Clarke cries, soft fingers fisting painfully in my hair, but I make no move to stop her.

"I know." She means the kind of bone tired that isn't cured by sleep. "Come lay down." I guide her toward the couch. "Get some sleep." She lies facing away from me. My arms encircle her protectively; keeping her close as her ragid breathing slows.

"Don't let go." She nuzzles her head farther into my arm.

"I won't." I promise, I'll never let you go.


End file.
